Uncoupling Turning Points In Intimate Relationships Ebook
'Uncoupling begins with a secret. One of the partners starts to feel uncomfortable in the relationship. The world the two of them have built together no longer 'fits.' 'How do relationships end? Why does one partner suddenly become discontented with the other - and why is the onset of that discontentment not so sudden after all?
What signals do partners send each other to 'Uncoupling begins with a secret. One of the partners starts to feel uncomfortable in the relationship. The world the two of them have built together no longer 'fits.'
'How do relationships end? Why does one partner suddenly become discontented with the other - and why is the onset of that discontentment not so sudden after all? What signals do partners send each other to indicate their doubts?
Why do those signals so often go unnoticed? And how do people who saw themselves as part of a couple come to terms, not just with absence and abandonment, but with a new, single identity?This groundbreaking book, which combines extensive research with in-depth interviews, offers a startling vision of what happens when relationships come apart. What it reveals is a process that begins in secret but gradually becomes public, implicating not only partners but their social milieu. The result is an enlightening and affecting book that is invaluable both as a work of sociology and as a guide for anyone who wants to prevent - or weather - the collapse of a relationship. This book is great for anyone who is going or has gone through the ending of a relationship, has so many questions to ask about how it happened, and is frustrated because the one person you want to ask is also the one person you can't.
As the book says, it doesn't offer many insights into the 'why' of a break up, but the information on the 'how' is fairly exhaustive. It gave me peace of mind when I needed it, and allowed me to get answers to questions which I never thought I would be able. Armed This book is great for anyone who is going or has gone through the ending of a relationship, has so many questions to ask about how it happened, and is frustrated because the one person you want to ask is also the one person you can't. As the book says, it doesn't offer many insights into the 'why' of a break up, but the information on the 'how' is fairly exhaustive. It gave me peace of mind when I needed it, and allowed me to get answers to questions which I never thought I would be able. Armed with this knowledge, in the future I hope I'll be able to recognize the signs earlier in the process and address them before things get really bad.
I noticed this book in my wife's car not so long ago. She purchased it something like 2 weeks before she told me she wants a divorce. I looked it up on Amazon and based on the reviews there, I got a copy for myself. Will it help me to understand?
Who knows.Not really so helpful, really. It more a description of what's likely to happen than an analysis of why. A lot of it does apply to what happened to my marriage, I guess, though not quite. It doesn't do anything to help understand I noticed this book in my wife's car not so long ago.
She purchased it something like 2 weeks before she told me she wants a divorce. I looked it up on Amazon and based on the reviews there, I got a copy for myself. Will it help me to understand? Who knows.Not really so helpful, really. It more a description of what's likely to happen than an analysis of why. A lot of it does apply to what happened to my marriage, I guess, though not quite. It doesn't do anything to help understand why.
Details the process and commonalities of breaking up in a way that helps you look back and understand the rituals going on and what might be going on in the other person's head from both the initiator and partner perspective. Also helped me feel better about some of the rituals I'm doing, that other people might be doing them, and might change the way I uncouple in the future (if I get into another relationship). A little bit outside my realm and wish it would have helped more, but still much Details the process and commonalities of breaking up in a way that helps you look back and understand the rituals going on and what might be going on in the other person's head from both the initiator and partner perspective. Also helped me feel better about some of the rituals I'm doing, that other people might be doing them, and might change the way I uncouple in the future (if I get into another relationship). A little bit outside my realm and wish it would have helped more, but still much better than most breakup books out there. Interesting, though dated, read. This book contains lots of quotes from both sides of troubled relationships.
But, really, the turning points the author details are not just for intimate relationships but for most all: jobs, academic, casual, professional. The authors writing style is clinical and detached, which, to me, contribute to a difficult read. The very last chapter, Transition Rituals, was the strongest and a good short-cut to reading the entire book!
Recent research on the feasibility Interesting, though dated, read. This book contains lots of quotes from both sides of troubled relationships. But, really, the turning points the author details are not just for intimate relationships but for most all: jobs, academic, casual, professional. The authors writing style is clinical and detached, which, to me, contribute to a difficult read.
The very last chapter, Transition Rituals, was the strongest and a good short-cut to reading the entire book! Recent research on the feasibility and success of reconciliation disputes some findings the author supports. Nonetheless, interesting. One short sentence jumped out to explain everything: Behavior meets needs.
Relationships
'I interrupted my normal reading schedule to read this book specifically because I was going through a breakup - a relationship of nearly five years, the longest romantic relationship of my life, had ended. I chose Uncoupling out of the books recommended to me because I found it the easiest but also because it appeared to not be a a self-help book, and I don't enjoy the proscriptions of self-help books - I generally find them condescending.On the whole, Uncoupling is a landmark study of the end 'I interrupted my normal reading schedule to read this book specifically because I was going through a breakup - a relationship of nearly five years, the longest romantic relationship of my life, had ended. I chose Uncoupling out of the books recommended to me because I found it the easiest but also because it appeared to not be a a self-help book, and I don't enjoy the proscriptions of self-help books - I generally find them condescending.On the whole, Uncoupling is a landmark study of the end of relationships and if you, like me, learn and grow from seeing yourself in the experiences of others, it should benefit you as well as it benefited me. Out of necessity, Vaughan creates two types in the relationship, the initiator and the partner. I found this typology helpful because I saw in my past behaviour both the initiator - albeit an initiator who had not yet acted - and the partner; that is I transitioned from one role to the other, as she notes many do. And I believe my former partner did the same, only the opposite direction - partner to initiator.But far more helpful were the quotes of the interviewees - honest, raw, bare, naked, or whatever you want to call them, these people shared their deepest feelings about their dying or dead relationships and reading these made me feel so much less alone, so much less of a failure.
And I must say that without this book I believe the end of my relationship would have probably been rockier (at least for me). I am a strong believer that 'moving on' requires knowledge and understanding and Uncoupling has given me that.But the book does have a few flaws that I want to acknowledge: First, it is definitely dated. I would highly recommend seeking out an updated version if one exists or, if one doesn't exist, I would hope that she has one planned.Second, though Vaughan admirably deals with problems with selection bias (and other biases) in the postscript, I did indeed detect a bias, albeit not one she focused on.
That bias was an academic one - in trying to be inclusive as a typical sociologist, I found Vaughan's interviews to be a little overly inclusive so as to not accurately reflect the population (at least in the way they presented them). I'm not sure this is really a criticism, it just seemed odd to me.But overall I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has been through a breakup and has not moved on or is currently going through a breakup. And, if you can read it discreetly, I would highly recommend this to anyone who is unhappy in a marriage or relationship and wants to save it. And I say this simply because had I known I was doing the things I was doing to show I was unhappy, maybe I would have talked to my ex about them, or maybe I would have tried to deal with the symptoms at the very least - or at least maybe I would have recognized my own unhappiness and done something differently.'
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Loved this book. Anyone who is ever in a relationship or ever wants to be in one should read this book. If you are in one and you want to know the state of your couplehood.
Or better yet, you are single and want to know how to build a great relationship. Read this book!
It will point out pitfalls you will not see in advance, and it will help you to know if your relationship is in trouble but you don't know why. The why and maybe what you can do about it.I am personally someone who hates Loved this book. Anyone who is ever in a relationship or ever wants to be in one should read this book.
If you are in one and you want to know the state of your couplehood. Or better yet, you are single and want to know how to build a great relationship. Read this book! It will point out pitfalls you will not see in advance, and it will help you to know if your relationship is in trouble but you don't know why. The why and maybe what you can do about it.I am personally someone who hates all self-help books. But this one has some science and teeth. And so I loved it.
Real information. “To speak of a communication failure implies a breakdown of some sort.
Yet this does not accurately portray what occurs. In truth, communication difficulties arise not from breakdown but from the characteristics of the system itself. Despite promising beginnings in our intimate relationships, we tend over time to evolve a system of communication that suppresses rather than reveals information. Life is complicated, and confirming or disconfirming the well-being of a relationship takes effort.
Once we are comfortably coupled, the intense, energy-consuming monitoring of courtship days is replaced by a simpler, more efficient method. Unable to witness our partners’ every activity or verify every nuance of meaning, we evolve a communication system based on trust. We gradually cease our attentive probing, relying instead on familiar cues and signals to stand as testament to the strength of the bond: the words “I love you,” holidays with the family, good sex, special times with shared friends, the routine exchange, “How was your day?” We take these signals as representative of the relationship and turn our monitoring energies elsewhere.Not only do the initiator’s negative signals tend to become incorporated into the existing routine, but, paradoxically, the initiator actively contributes to the impression that life goes on as usual. Even as they express their unhappiness, initiators work at emphasizing and maintaining the routine aspects of life with the other person, simultaneously giving signals that all is well. Unwilling to leave the relationship yet, they need to privately explore and evaluate the situation. The initiator thus contrives an appearance of participation,7 creating a protective cover that allows them to “return” if their alternative resources do not work out.Our ability to do this—to perform a role we are no longer enthusiastically committed to—is one of our acquired talents.
In all our encounters, we present ourselves to others in much the same way as actors do, tailoring our performance to the role we are assigned in a particular setting.8 Thus, communication is always distorted. We only give up fragments of what really occurs within us during that specific moment of communication.9 Such fragments are always selected and arranged so that there is seldom a faithful presentation of our inner reality.
It is transformed, reduced, redirected, recomposed.10 Once we get the role perfected, we are able to play it whether we are in the mood to go on stage or not, simply by reproducing the signals.What is true of all our encounters is, of course, true of intimate relationships. The nature of the intimate bond is especially hard to confirm or disconfirm.11 The signals produced by each partner, while acting out the partner role, tend to be interpreted by the other as the relationship.12 Because the costs of constantly checking out what the other person is feeling and doing are high, each partner is in a position to be duped and misled by the other.13 Thus, the initiator is able to keep up appearances that all is well by falsifying, tailoring, and manipulating signals to that effect. The normal routine can be used to attest to the presence of something that is not there.
For example, initiators can continue the habit of saying, “I love you,” though the passion is gone. They can say, “I love you” and cover the fact that they feel disappointment or anger, or that they feel nothing at all.
Or, they can say, “I love you” and mean, “I like you,” or, “We have been through a lot together,” or even “Today was a good day.”—.